10 Tips for New Parents This School Season

Look, I am no seasoned school parent. If you’re expecting a list of wholesome hacks, you’re in the wrong place. My only hack is shouting, “MOVE, WE’RE LATE,” on repeat until someone cries. No. I am the type of mother who is just trying to find a clean sock in the washing machine vortex while yelling, “Why are you naked, we leave in three minutes?”

Also, considering my son is literally moving schools this week, I am probably the least qualified person to hand out advice. But here we are. It’s me. Your frazzled correspondent from the trenches. You’re welcome.

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1. If you dressed them super nice, ironed their clothes, washed their hair, even cleaned their fingernails and they are returned to you looking like they’ve just been living feral in the forest with the Gruffalo.… do not panic. Totally normal.

2. Reception is essentially just playing with their mates and doing a lot of colouring. Honestly, it’s daycare with snacks and the vague promise of literacy. They’re going to have the best time.

3. Phonics will take over your life for a short time. You will start questioning your very existence and how you ever learnt to read, because it was definitely not with a cartoon frog screaming “SOUND IT OUT” at you through a glitchy app.

4. Speaking of apps: prepare for the trauma of school logins. They will lock you out ten times in the first term. You will develop a reflex where you type your email address so often it appears in your dreams. You will miss something. I missed the spelling app for a whole term. “Have you been using Spelling Bee?” they asked. “What bee? I am unfamiliar with a bee.”

5. They all catch up. The genius who was reading Dickens at 3 while your kid was still snacking on Play-Doh? By Year 2, they’ll be on the same level. (Unless they’re Mensa. In which case… good luck, I can’t help you. Maybe that kid will cure cancer while yours is still perfecting fart noises. Both valid.)

6. Now, about friendships: your child will inevitably gravitate towards the kid who is feral, covered in mud, and possibly screaming. The parents will look like they hate you. Congratulations, that’s your child’s new best mate.

7. The PTA. Oh, the PTA. They will attempt recruitment. It’s like a very nice polite pyramid scheme but with raffle tickets (legal reasons this is a joke). I am not saying don’t join, they can be fun, you can make mum mates… but also… give it time. The first year is intense. You’ve got six more years at that school. Acclimate. Observe. THEN commit.

8. Label everything. EVERYTHING. If you don’t, your child will lose it in under four minutes. Jumper, water bottle, dignity. Gone.

9. School dinners vs packed lunches: I am a working parent. I do not have the bandwidth to create elaborate bento boxes with sandwiches shaped like woodland animals. My son once asked why his friends got packed lunches and he didn’t. I panicked. Then I invented the concept of “Dinner Picnic.” He eats a hot school lunch and then has a packed-style dinner at home. Voila. Same thing. Stop asking questions.

10. And finally: prepare your tissues. Dropping my eldest off that first day, we both waved bravely. I was proud. Then I got in the car and immediately imagined him sitting in class silently panicking about how to ask to go to the toilet… and I BAWLED. Like, Oscar-winning ugly crying.

Go forth, parents. May your coffee be strong, your labels permanent, and your app passwords actually work.