The Potty Training Chronicles

(Or How I Was Outwitted by a Toddler)

Okay, here’s the deal. I’ve done this potty training thing before, so by now I should be basically an expert, right? I should have all the tricks up my sleeve. I should know exactly what to do… I don’t. My daughter is the one running the show, and I’m just here, desperately trying to keep up. Most of the time, I let her call the shots. Why? Well, because, let’s be honest, I’m secretly terrified of her. She’s got this amazing sense of independence that could probably topple entire governments.

Now, my son? He was a bit slower to the potty party. We had time to prepare, to plan, to Google. But my daughter? Oh, she found the potty we’d been saving for the long Bank Holiday weekend and dragged it out of the cupboard by the handle. How does she know what this thing is? How does she know what to do with it? I’ve got questions, and somehow, zero answers. But she just plops it down, looks at me like she’s already a potty-training guru, and declares, “Use potty now.” Well, alright then. I wasn’t exactly ready, but who’s in charge here? Not me.

Now, let’s get something straight: Every kid does this at their own pace. My son took his time. With my daughter, I thought, “You know what? We’ll get there. There’s no rush. No comparing her to the other kids who’ve already mastered the art of flushing. We’ll do it my way... or, more accurately, her way.”

So, of course, I turned to you all for advice. But look, I wasn’t looking for the usual, “Try this reward system” crap. No, no. I wanted guerrilla potty training. I wanted next-level bribery, ninja tactics that actually work. And as always, you came through, I really love you guys, have I told you that recently? LET’S GO. Here are my favourites from you all:

• The Party Blowers: Has the child successfully planted a poop? (There are words I never thought I’d publish on the public internet) get those party blowers out. You’re celebrating it.

• Bribery: This is a big one, and one I can absolutely get behind - bribe them, like, immediate chocolate-type bribery. White chocolate buttons appear to be the parental favourite.

• The Clothes Off: That’s it, during the day, either outside or whack that thermostat up, all clothes off, and watch them like a hawk. Puppy training pads out, and let nature do its work. Now, I’m unsure about this one - outside the house, it makes sense. Inside? I feel like I’m going to find a poo behind the sofa cushion.

• Shop for Some Fancy Pants: We’ve gone with some very bright unicorn ones. Buy a couple of packs (Asda does some good ones that don’t cost the earth, I’ll do a shopping list so you can opt in or opt out and it doesn’t feel like I’m trying to sell links to you shamelessly).

• They’re All Different: If your first kid was fine and just got it and never had a single accident, your second might take the best part of a year, and you’ll lose your mind in the process. We do not compare, but also, what works for some won’t work for all - So true!

• Buy a Decent Wet Bag and Lots of Treats: Enough said.

• “Cover the room in waterproof bed sheets, it took us 4 days, it was hell, but we cracked it.”

• “Save the bribery until you need to, hold it in your back pocket like your ace card.”

• “Once you’ve started, you cannot go back, make the decision wisely.” OK, now I’m scared. I’m ready to say farewell to the nappies, but now I get to lug a potty around with us 24/7. Joy.

• “Best hack - outsource a real grown-up = get the grandparent to do it.” I love this for you, but the chance of this happening for me is, shall we say, about a 0.00000000004% chance.

• “Let them lead, don’t rush into it - it’s not worth the shit, literally.”

• “Get them a potty training book and some glitter stickers for each time they go.”

• “Have disinfectant wipes and carpet cleaner at the ready.”

• “Literally used fire (blowing out matches) to get her to sit for more than one second.” This one wins. This is mental, and I love it.

• “Do not give up, nothing on the bottom half until they start going themselves.”

• “Drinks on tap!” My daughter took to necking Fruit Shoots while on the stolen potty this weekend. I’m still unsure how she worked out that if she drank fluids, it’d work its way through and result in a wee. Like I say, questions unanswered.

• “Use the sibling: has the toddler secure the drop? Get the older one to dish out the treat, and they get to have one too” I love this - working smarter, not harder.

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Potty Training Shopping List (or what I bought in desperation)

• Potty: Obviously. We like these ones.

• Puppy Training Pads: For when you decide to throw caution to the wind and let them go commando at home.

• Unicorn Pants: Every kid needs a pair of pants that screams I’m ready to conquer the world.

• Wet Bag: To keep all the accidents contained like a pro.

• Disinfectant Wipes: For when your child decides to... well, you know.

• Glitter Stickers: Because nothing says “you did a good job” like sparkly rewards.

• Fruit Shoots: Because hydration is key... apparently.

• Chocolate Buttons: For bribery, because sometimes a treat is the only thing that gets the job done.

(Please note some links are affiliated, I do not get paid if you buy a product, but if you click, well, I am slowly building my 1p per click empire.)

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And there you have it, folks. Potty training isn’t pretty, but it’s a wild ride. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that I’m not the one in control here… my toddler is. She’s leading the charge, and I’m just hanging on for dear life. Let’s hope we all make it through this in one piece! Good luck.